In Nathaniel Hawthorne's The Mable Faun, he writes, “Time flies over us, but leaves its shadow behind.” But, I digress; this month, I'll celebrate my fifth year as a Professional Dominatrix, my half-decade milestone. In these five years in kink, here are my greatest takeaways:
Happiness
In Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness, Christine Palmer asks Dr. Strange if he's happy. A seemingly straightforward question, yet it confounds many. Happiness eludes many of us, because we tend to look for it in the future rather than in the present.
I grew up harbouring lofty goals, to earn $x monthly by the time I hit 30, to have $y in my bank account, to have my own dungeon with every toy I fancied, to have my own latex wardrobe, to be an international Dominatrix and tour all the major kink cities, and so forth.
Yet, instead of pondering ‘what’s next?’, I found myself contemplating, ‘then what?’. It dawned upon me that true happiness resides in the pursuit itself, not in the attainment. What do I value more now? A quiet heart, a peaceful mind, a warm meal to come home to.
Gratitude
Through adulthood, I had the privilege of being mentored both in kink and in vanilla. I am profoundly grateful for all those who have provided the opportunity and support towards my days of formative growth, for me to be who I am right now.
Seven years ago, I broke up with my business partner and started my career over. My first boss saw my potential and capabilities and took me in, and I started as an executive at a network advertising agency. With his trust and guidance, I took on bigger and bigger responsibilities, and managed accounts in the region. Within four years, I got promoted to director - one of the fastest promotions in the industry. Not only did he nurture my growth, but as much as he could, he shielded us from the toxic leadership and petty politics within the Singapore office. Tanking long scoldings from leadership in the many late nights I saw him in office so that we didn’t have to go through that. I am grateful for that.
In 2020 when the pandemic hit, I thought I would stop prodomming - fading out quietly just as I started. But fate would have it, my subs whom I had wanted to stick with me; I found my community, and eventually built my first playspace with the support of my tribe.
When I did my first tour of San Francisco and later, New York, I was afraid of a lack of support and access from local kinksters and Dominatrixes who had almost never heard about me. That fear went unfounded, and I was welcomed into their spaces and hearts. Goddess Faustine Cox, Mistress Morgana Maye, Mistress Jezebele, Curiousx10, Mistress Selina Raven, Bruce, Shermie, Mistress Shayla, Domina Dia.. the list goes on. My heart (and stomach) is full, thanks to all of you.
The world is my oyster, but the ocean is the ecosystem that nurtured and shaped me.
I am eternally grateful.
Your gift
Being raised in an Asian society that prides itself on communitarian values rather than individualistic ones, I was raised to think about how I would best serve the country, the community, and the family unit. I was given a narrowly carved blueprint of life from my parents, the school, and society. To study hard, get into a good university, get a good job, and be a useful member of the society that Singapore will be proud of—the invisible shackles of society and Asian communitarian values. The ‘right’ path was celebrated and championed, and any straying outside the standard acceptable deviation in life would be cowed back into submission, or frowned upon at best. I ended up doing my undergraduate in Business Administration, an exchange at a university in Massachusetts, then internships in tax and later audit. But instead, I found myself falling in love with the thrill of puzzle solving in the ad/comms industry, and connecting the dots in human psychology through the lens of kink. It took me 10 years to decide to not follow the path of my undergraduate studies, nor what my parents wanted me to, and find purpose in ad/comms and my gift in kink.
In both kink and in vanilla, I have mentored juniors and saw many interns pass through me, as well as x other prodommes in Singapore. Just like the giant Sequoia trees in the bay, cradling an entire world within its embrace—an ecosystem providing life, solace and sanctuary to all that seeks. In her silent strength, embracing all and discriminating none. There's a quote by Pablo Picasso: "The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away."
Back to the quote by Nathaniel Hawthorne, “Time flies over us, but leaves its shadow behind.” Hawthorne’s quote captures the fleeting essence of time’s passage, the complexities of human nature & morality, and the interplay between the past and present. It is our actions that cast the longest shadows, it's enduring impact and influence on the people we meet and touch.
Thank you all for being part of my journey; here's to the next decade x
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Two years a Dominatrix: here
About FemDom, Goddess Ashley: here
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